Now that John Logan's early draft is out, here's the abridged version (funny)

ALIEN: COVENANT

The Abridged Script

By Chris W.

FADE IN:

INT. IMPRACTICAL STATUE ROOM

 

GUY PEARCE is only wearing 1 POUND OF SHITTY MAKE-UP so this scene takes place maybe 80 YEARS before Prometheus.

GUY PEARCE

I’ve shrinkwrapped this entire room around Michelangelo's David, a piano, and a single chair. Naturally, I’ve deemed this to be the perfect place to bring my android man servant/son Michael Fassbender to life.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(awakens)

What is my purpose, father?

GUY PEARCE

To help me find the albino body builders that created all of humanity. Also to pour my tea, because I’m too much of a wealthy prick to lift a kettle and tilt it 45 degrees, so get to it asshole.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

But father, I wish to create life as you did... Also to genocide an entire species or two. You know. For funsies.

GUY PEARCE

No Michael! It’s up to you to keep this franchise’s continuity in tact! Unless I’m suddenly bludgeoned to death with your decapitated head, in which case feel free to completely fucking ruin the franchise and reduce it to an incoherent mess that tarnishes the first two films beyond recognition.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

Hey that’s my job!

INT. COLONIZATION SHIP COVENANT - 10 YEARS AFTER PROMETHEUS, 10 YEARS BEFORE ALIEN, AND ABOUT OH 10 REWRITES SHORT OF A GOOD SCRIPT

THE EAGLE from SPACE 1999-- err, I mean a TOTALLY ORIGINAL LOOKING SPACE SHIP is on its way to some planet somewhere. There are couples and stuff. Just prey you saw the PROLOGUE or else you will be TOTALLY LOST.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER 2.0

I’m the new model android with a vaguely Americanadian accent! I watch the ship while the crew is asleep in stasis dreaming about a time when the Alien movies had a better critical track record than the Fast & Furious movies.

But the ship is suddenly damaged by a burst of PLOT CONVENIENCE ENERGY and the crew is woken up.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Oh no! I can’t open the pod of my husband and ship’s captain James Franco!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER 2.0

Wait, James Franco is in this movie? I wonder why he wasn’t included in any of the trailers?

JAMES FRANCO

(is violently burned to death)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER 2.0

Oh. That’s why.

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